Cancer Takes Slowly

My lack of energy has brought me to a lonely place.  It prevents me from actively participating in my life.  I float instead, still breathing, but barely.  And, the floating is occurring too far away.  Yes, I am present, but I am not.  I want to participate, but I am too tired.

My vim, my vigor is gone. 

My eyes are open then they are closed, just resting.

I am so sad.  My once active life is so different now.  I will never be healthy me again and enjoy the days where I had so much to do I felt I could not get it all done. And, then would find such satisfaction when somehow I “did” get it all done.

Now, I sit home on my couch.  Sometimes dizzy when I stand.

Do I cut-back my treatment, allowing the cancer to grow, all for a little short-term invigoration?    

This will only get worse.

Self-pity consumes me.

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Move forward two days…

Forty-nine…I am 49 years old!  I am so thankful to be able to celebrate my 49^th birthday today. 

Self-pity does not consume me as it did when my body was lost to fatigue.  I feel content again.  My energy level is better today allowing me to mop the floors of my home.  Wow, amazing how two days can make such a difference in the way I feel.  I know those dark, lonely, exhausted days will come again, but today, I am happy.    

I am happy I will leave this world four wonderful people, my children.  They are the most important product of my life.  No other aspect of my life has brought as much joy to me.

A wonderful friend, Sandie, made potato soup and brought it to me for my birthday.  I wish my stomach could hold more.  The words she wrote on my card made me feel special bringing forth tears that I didn’t expect.  Her thoughtfulness is appreciated more than she will ever know.

Cancer will continue to take from me all the things I love.  Today, though, I still have them.  Today, I am grateful to have lived.