Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Cancer Takes Slowly

My lack of energy has brought me to a lonely place.  It prevents me from actively participating in my life.  I float instead, still breathing, but barely.  And, the floating is occurring too far away.  Yes, I am present, but I am not.  I want to participate, but I am too tired.

My vim, my vigor is gone. 
My eyes are open then they are closed, just resting.
I am so sad.  My once active life is so different now.  I will never be healthy me again and enjoy the days where I had so much to do I felt I could not get it all done. And, then would find such satisfaction when somehow I “did” get it all done.

Now, I sit home on my couch.  Sometimes dizzy when I stand.

Do I cut-back my treatment, allowing the cancer to grow, all for a little short-term invigoration?    

This will only get worse.

Self-pity consumes me.


Move forward two days…

Forty-nine…I am 49 years old!  I am so thankful to be able to celebrate my 49th birthday today. 

Self-pity does not consume me as it did when my body was lost to fatigue.  I feel content again.  My energy level is better today allowing me to mop the floors of my home.  Wow, amazing how two days can make such a difference in the way I feel.  I know those dark, lonely, exhausted days will come again, but today, I am happy.    

I am happy I will leave this world four wonderful people, my children.  They are the most important product of my life.  No other aspect of my life has brought as much joy to me.

A wonderful friend, Sandie, made potato soup and brought it to me for my birthday.  I wish my stomach could hold more.  The words she wrote on my card made me feel special bringing forth tears that I didn’t expect.  Her thoughtfulness is appreciated more than she will ever know.

Cancer will continue to take from me all the things I love.  Today, though, I still have them.  Today, I am grateful to have lived.


  1. I'm sitting at my desk fighting back tears.
    Your words move me and find me wishing I could take a sword and slash cancer.. all cancer.. until it ceased to exist.
    Hate is not a strong enough word.
    I wish I were magic. I wish YOU were magic.
    Words fail... I'm so sorry, Lisa.

  2. Your post makes me so sad but yet I know how this feels. I feel great when I get up in the morning and by noon I'm ready to go back to bed. Early evening is when I feel the loneliness set in. I thought it was just me feeling the loneliness until I read your post today.

  3. You have had SO MUCH energy your entire that you don't know what to do when there isn't any energy. It is okay to rest on those days...to gear up to enjoy the days when you feel life flowing! (Honey...I don't mean this sarcastically because I, too, wish you had all the energy in the world...BUT...even on your least energetic day, you have more energy than half the flat-out-LAZY people in this cotton-pickin' nation! I'm praying for many, many, many more days where you feel like mopping the floors (whether you do it or not)!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    1. that's supposed to read ... "You have had so much energy your entire LIFE...."